


It'll Be Okay

by Kykyxx123



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Tony, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Slight OOC, Steve Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 21:55:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18600157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kykyxx123/pseuds/Kykyxx123
Summary: Re-post from FF.net, originally posted June 2017. One-Shot.Tony managed to escape from his most recent abduction, not quite in one piece. Possible triggers.





	It'll Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> I had some problems with formatting after i had edited it, i believe i have corrected it all from the big blob of text it morphed into, but if not i apologise!

He was free.

He couldn't help just stopping for a moment, and closing his eyes, relishing in the sun on his face, and breeze against his cheeks. He forced himself to snap out of it, and took off at a limping run, knowing that the moment his adrenaline wore off, he knew all his injuries were going to come back to him at full force, that and he knew it wouldn't be long before he was pursued.

He tore through the forest, focusing on keeping his feet moving, and away. He eyes were focused on the ground ahead, while periodically looking up and around, also using them to compensate for his damaged ear drums, ear drums he damaged in an explosion during his great escape. He was relatively sure they could heal, but he didn't have the time to wait for them to do so.

He couldn't see his enemies following, which was worrying him. If they could not see the need to chase him, they must be sure he wouldn't get very far. 

A short while later, he was tripping more than he was running, and soon enough, there came a point where he fell, and couldn't find the energy to get back up.

He lay sprawled on the ground, taking stock of his injuries. Between the broken fingers and nerve damage to his right arm, loss of a portion of his sight in his left eye, multiple previous concussions, deep gash in his thigh, broken and crooked nose, burn marks across his body, water in his lungs, lacerations just about everywhere else, and severe dehydration, Tony understood he wouldn't survive too long without medical attention. But he couldn't help but let out a small chuckle of relief, which turned into a splutter, simply pleased that if he was going to die, he'd die free, and by dying he could defy his captors that one last time.

He looked up into the stars, wishing his husband was here while also being pleased he wasn't. Tony really did love Steve, would die for him, but he had this niggling doubt, due to the fact that only Steve knew his whereabouts when he was abducted, and they knew things, very few would know. That and his captors kept goading him about it. He had a long time to think about it in his cell, and while he knew it was a ridiculous way to think, he had managed to partly convince himself that his team hadn't found him because; a) they didn't want him back or b) they had betrayed him. Rationally, he knew this was ridiculous, and that there were many other reasons for this, but the poisonous thoughts had taken root, when he gave himself to them, that's when he threw all caution to the wind and got himself out, so in a way they'd done him a favour.

Someone was shaking his shoulder. He opened his eyes to see an unfamiliar male face above him, looking very concerned. Their lips were moving and while Tony could hear some muffled words, they were in a language he didn't speak. If this was one of his captors that he hadn't met, then he didn't have any more energy left to fight, and let himself sink into unconsciousness.

-/-/-/-/-/-

When he came to he was on a hard cot. It was cold outside of his blankets like the tiles he was used to, but before he opened his eyes he could tell he wasn't in his cell, from the cot, and from the lack of blinding light above him, also he could tell his largest wounds had been bandaged.

He slowly blinked his eyes open, slightly dismayed that his left eye appeared to be worse, and he could only make blurs of colour out, but that was overshadowed by the appearance of the inside of a simple room, painted cream. He heard dripping to his left, which was in his new blind spot, and while he stiffened for a second at the noise, he had little time to panic as a cloth with cool water was laid on his head.

A woman with a kind face, and in her mid-forties moved around him to come into his line of view.

"Where am I?" He croaked, his mouth like sandpaper, tongue feeling ten times too big for his mouth. The woman simply smiled at him while shaking her head.

"Rada." She pointed to herself.

"Your name is Rada?" She smiled and nodded. "Country?" She frowned and shook her head, not seeming to understand. "Tony." He moved his own hand to gesture at himself, but unbelievable pain raced down his arm, whiting out his vision for a moment, and causing him to grit his teeth to prevent from screaming.

Rada was suddenly holding his head gently, and saying things, which if he had to guess would be general sayings of comfort, judging by the tone. She held a bowl to his lips, it smelt bitter, and somewhere at the back of his mind registered natural pain killers, or poison… but he drank it all the same, and soon the pain ebbed and he fell into a deep sleep.

-/-/-/-/-

He swam to consciousness for short periods over the next few days, he kept flitting between shivering and sweating, but under the surface there was a coldness that was getting larger by the day, his thoughts were slow and his perception of time was disjointed. Except for once or twice, Rada was always there, there was occasionally a male about ten years her junior that appeared every now and then, and tried to speak broken English to Tony, but he was in not state to properly understand, let alone respond.

He knew he was dying, infection either from his wounds, or the leftover water in his lungs, and there was nothing he could do about it. There was a sort of peace to that. A finality that he was sure about. He wasn't suicidal, he wouldn't go out of the way to purposely get himself killed, but he didn't see the need in fighting right now, prolonging the inevitable.

Thus, Rada and occasionally Lyosha, the man who had also been with him, would watch over him, redress his wounds, bathe him, and when conscious, encourage him to drink what little he could. This was his little routine, and after so many weeks of merely existing, unknowing of what was going to happen within the next hour, he was content.

Until one day a warm hand was on his cheek, his eyelashes fluttered but he didn't fully rise to consciousness, lacking the energy, even though his slow brain was curious, Rada and Lyosha's hands were always cool on his feverish skin, maybe his fever had broken? Unlikely due to the way he felt.

"Tony? Are you with me?" The warm hand was stroking his cheek. Tony didn't know how to feel at hearing his husband's voice, relieved or scared? He could hear Tasha talking quickly and urgently in the background to Rada and Lyosha by the sounds of things. "His arc reactor is still on, that's good, right?" Steve sounded close to panicking, and Tony could now register Steve's hand shaking on his cheek.

"That means it's working, keeping the shrapnel away. One less thing to worry about. What I'm concerned about is his lungs." Bruce said from Tony's other side, fingers feeling at his right wrist for a pulse, unknown to Bruce until Rada shouted, and Tony cried out in pain, eyes flying open, rapidly forgetting where he was, just seeing several people around him and experiencing pain, and quickly falling into a panic.

Steve was there, trying to quieten him, but all Tony's warped thoughts could see, was that Steve betrayed him, and screamed wordlessly to get him away. Seemingly within a moment, Steve had been swapped with Rada, and Tony almost immediately began to calm as she sang to him gently the little lullaby she sang when he was most agitated, and as she put his head in her lap, he felt safe that he would look after her.

"Rada says he's been with them for three days, and has had a fever for the last two, it only got significantly worse yesterday, since then he's been hallucinating, and drinking little. His wounds don't appear to be infected, so she was thinking it was his lungs. She's given him what herbal remedies she had, and sent her husband and son to the nearest town the day before yesterday for antibiotics, but they won't be back until tomorrow at the earliest." Tasha spoke now from his left, next to Bruce.

A mask was placed over his face, giving him oxygen, and Tony felt a prick in his relatively uninjured arm, but with Rada stroking his hair gently, he barely noticed.

"Tasha, I need you to squeeze that bag of fluid into him. Clint, can you try to get a cannula in his foot? Your eyesight and steady hand may be an advantage; he's so dehydrated I struggled with his arm. If you can't I'll have to try to create an intraosseous access, but without the local, it will be short-lived but still unpleasant for him." Tony then felt Clint's rough hands on his foot, but his focus was spotty, and before he knew it, it was done.

"Clint can you now attach a new bag of fluids to that line and let it run, don't squeeze, I don't want to overload him. Tasha, take this and attach it to your side, it's antibiotics."

Bruce was then gently peeling his eyelids back and a light was being shone into both eyes. "His left isn't reacting as well to the light, but it's not blown."

Lyosha said something, and Tasha spoke quickly back in the same language, before returning to English. "They think he is either impaired or blind in that eye, if they were ever on his left side, he appeared not to see them there."

"Right." Bruce's voiced moved around back to Tasha's side, and felt at his wrist and then his neck for a pulse. "Still weak and thready, but marginally better than before. He's still not anywhere near stable, but we need to get him to the Quinjet, I've got better equipment there, and I'm still not convinced he won't go into cardiac arrest on the way." There was silence other than Tony's gurgled panting. "Worth the risk, we'll just need to move quickly. Tasha, that's done, disconnect it, and get to the Quinjet, get everything ready."

There was movement, then a gentle kiss to Tony's forehead, before Tasha's footsteps ran out the door.

"Steve. You'll need to carry him."

"But-"

"I've given him some Morphine; it will help with the pain." Bruce's voice was gentle as he gently probed Tony's ribs. "Try to carry him with his left side closest to you. Four of his ribs on his right are broken, and it might be easier on his arm.

Rada disappeared, and then he was cradled against a warm chest, right arm securely across his chest, his time perception must still be off, as he felt the cool air against his face, the same moment he felt his heart skip a beat.

"Bruce! He's stopped breathing!" Steve voice, Tony hadn't heard anything like it before, it was pure unadulterated terror.

"Put him down!" Bruce was there the moment he was on the ground, tilting his head back to try and open his airway. Tony knew he should be breathing, but simply didn't have the energy. "Clint hand me the i-gel. Size 4."

By this point Tony had taken a step back, he was very mildly aware something was being shoved into his throat, and Bruce was pumping air into his lungs, but was relaxed and pain free, most likely due to the lack of oxygen to his brain, but those were just details.

"I need one of you to attach the defib pads to his chest, in case we need them, and the other to get the emergency drugs out, get some amiodarone and adrenaline out and ready. Then grab the orange bag and set it up, it has a CPR machine we designed that should be able to work around the reactor, so we don't do more damage with conventional CPR."

It was like Bruce was at the end of a tunnel. Tony knew his friends, and husband, were worrying over him, and maybe it was selfish, but he was happy where he was, he didn't want to come back to the pain, confusion and mistrust, that would almost definitely follow if he did.

So even through the cries, he let go.

-/-/-/-/-

Unfortunately, even death couldn't be that easy for him. He knew that by the steady beeping of the monitor to his left, and soft sobbing to his right.

There was a slight gurgling noise, and Tony felt his breathing hitch, and the sobbing stopped.

"Sorry Rob, I think he needs some suction again." Steve's voice, the one who had been sobbing spoke to someone entering the room.

"No problem, Steve. He's due for another nebuliser soon anyway." Rob spoke from Tony's left, and then there was suction of something that sounded thick but was over relatively quickly, and then a loud hissing. "Let me know if he needs anything else mate."

"Thank you." Steve said, just loud enough to be heard over the hissing. "So, where was I up to? Yesterday, Tasha smiled, like a full on toothy grin, Clint was even teasing her that she had finally 'got some'? She only smacked him once for it, which according to Clint and Bruce, he's lucky he's not dead." Steve's voice seemed to break on the last word, before he cleared his throat.

"They wanted to throw me a party. I refused and they argued it could be small. I don't want to celebrate without you there with me. I just miss you. It's been too long since I last saw your eyes. Heard a sarcastic comment. See you make something, anything…" He sighed, and then Steve's hand was in his hair, stroking it in the way he found most relaxing. "Come back to me baby. I'll be waiting."

Tony was exhausted, but felt a pang of… sorrow? Guilt? He wasn't a hundred percent sure, and fell back to sleep.

-/-/-/-/-

The next time he awoke, he could hear Steve's gentle snore from somewhere in the room, underneath the rumbling whisper of Thor.

"-and that is when my dear Jane told me I am to be a father! I have yet to tell our comrades as I wanted to see you first of all and relieve your good man. He's not looking very well. He sleeps here every night, and has refused to go on any of Fury's orders. That is why my father gave me permission to return to Earth. Jane ordered me too, actually. My mother will look after her, it's too unsafe for her to travel through the Bifrost you see. Falcon has been working quite well though, providing some aerial support. They also tried with a temporary replacement, a Daredevil I believe, but while he does a good job, he doesn't work very well as a team member. I do believe a Doctor Strange has offered his services for any world issues, apparently, he is a sorcerer from Earth!" Thor sounded surprised, like the things he had seen and heard on Earth was so normal up to that point.

Steve's soft snores stopped, and a low moan echoed through the room.

Thor's warm presence disappeared from Tony's side, and footsteps moved away from him. "Captain. Everything is okay. Wake up." Thor spoke, Tony could picture a large hand shaking his husband's shoulder. "It's a dream." Steve suddenly cried out in anguish before all Tony could hear was Steve's heavy breathing, which soon appeared to dissolve into sobs.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Thor asked after a few minutes, his voice the gentlest Tony had ever heard it.

"No. It won't help. Thank you though Thor."

"No problem Captain, but the offer will still stand." There was another pause before Thor spoke once again.

"If I may, Man of Iron is a warrior, he's been fighting this long, don't give up on him. If he really didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be."

"He was scared of me Thor. You didn't see him… I know he's a fighter, but his heart was already relying on the reactor, even without the pacemaker Bruce had to fit into it, and he is breathing artificially through a tube in his throat. I'm not even so sure he wants to be here anymore." Steve took a shaky breath. "I'm not ready to let go of him yet though. Is that selfish?"

"No. I would forever regret it if Jane was in this position and I gave permission to let her go, without making peace with it first, you must be sure. But whatever you decide, I shall stand by you, as long as you're sure."

"Thank you Thor."

-/-/-/-/-

"You're not doing this. He's been improving!" The voice of Pepper Potts was the one he was greeted by. She sounded furious.

"He wouldn't want this!" Tasha seemed to shout back, he had never heard the two redheads argue, and it terrified him slightly, well would have if he was coherent enough.

"He can't say what he wants! He's been in a coma for four months!" Pepper shot back.

"Steve is making the right decision. If his heart stops, they will let him go, they're not going to 'actively murder' him as you so eloquently put it!"

"That's en-"

"Shut it Clint. You agree with me, everyone does! It's been horrific for Steve to even make this decision, now you're making him feel terrible about it! He has the power of attorney, so what he says goes!"

"And if you all disagreed with it he wouldn't do it! He respects all of your opinions! I've known him the longest, and he'd want to continue to fight!"

"Does this look like fighting to you?" The Black Widow roared, then a loud bang echoed throughout the room.

"Shut up! Both of you!" Now it was Bruce's turn to roar. "You will not do this in front of Tony. Take it outside, and deal with it between the two of you. Steve better not find out what either of you have been saying. He's been crying his eyes out since he made the decision and you shall not make it any harder on him that it needs to be. Now get out."

There was complete silence, then the clicking of Pepper's stilettos and almost silent tread of Natasha, and the door shut quietly behind them.

"You alright?" Clint said softly from Tony's right.

"I will be. I wasn't too harsh?" Bruce asked after a deep, calming breath.

"Nah. It's difficult on everyone, you just found an outlet. Besides I'm glad, I think you're the only one who could talk to them like that and not become a eunuch." Clint sounded halfway amused and Bruce gave a small chuckle.

"Perks of having the other guy... how is he?"

"Same as ever." Clint cleared his throat, then quietly added, "Medically, do you think Steve made the right decision?"

Bruce sighed, and Tony imagined him removing his glasses and rubbing his nose, a habit the doctor picked up when thinking deeply or stressed.

"Medically, yes, personally… I don't know, before I was sure it was right, now... I would never judge him for the decision he made, and hope I would never have to make it for anyone, and I know he's thinking more about what Tony would want as opposed to himself."

"Thor said one of the Asgardian healers may be able to do something."

"Maybe they could, but he would have to travel to Asgard, and he isn't stable enough to travel that long distance, if we had been successful weaning him off the ventilator, maybe…" Bruce trailed off. "We can only hope that in a few weeks he can be weaned off it."

"You never know."

"Hm… So how are Laura and the kids?"

-/-/-/-/-

"- an improvement. He still needs some help, but less than before."

"Could that imply he'll wake up?" Steve's hopeful voice came from near Tony again.

"I'm sorry, you know I can't tell you that. It's looking more promising, but his brain activity is relatively unchanged. Although he still hasn't shown signs of brain death, so there is a chance. It's still a waiting game." A soft female voice came from Tony's left.

"Okay, thank you Doctor." The door closed, and Tony heard Steve breathing gently, not appearing to be crying this time. "Baby steps." He seemingly muttered to himself.

The door opened again, and Tony heard the gentle squeak of leather, and had a good idea of who it was before they spoke.

"Captain."

"Fury."

"I heard there had been some improvements."

"Yes." Steve was tense and curt with the director, very unlike the straight-laced soldier.

"Look, I'm not coming back to SHIELD. I don't give a damn what you threaten me with. And I'm on indefinite leave with the Avengers."

"I thought you may have reconsidered-"

"Reconsidered?!" Steve roared, Tony heard a clang like a chair being flung. "You are the reason he is here! It was your man who told Hammer where he was! And you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me he had been abducted until a few days later, and didn't give us any leads for three weeks. I probably wouldn't have found him if not for Tasha and Clint defying your orders. I don't fucking care whether you believed that I would 'compromise' the investigation or not. You don't get another chance. What has happened to him is on your head Fury. Now get out. I don't want to see you, ever again."

There was silence, and he imagined a stare down between the two, now Fury was scary, but when Steve was angry, he was absolutely terrifying.

"Well remember that I was the one who stopped you going to the Raft for the rest of your life. I was the one who saved you from death row."

"I said get out." Steve said in a low voice, barely restrained anger.

"I would listen to him, Sir. I've never seen Steve this murderous. That's saying something considering I was with him in Russia." Clint's voice suddenly appeared, containing a similar level of anger in Steve's voice.

Fury must have left, as Steve took a deep breath.

"Can you stay with him? I need to cool off."

"Sure." Clint replaced Steve, and started to hum out of tune, but he barely paid attention.

A heavy weight he hadn't been aware of had been lifted off him, Steve hadn't been the one who betrayed him, how could he have believed that? His husband, the man he loved, the man who had been crying over him, and probably worrying himself grey.

He found his will to live again.

-/-/-/-/-

The day Tony finally opened his eyes, it was dull. He was on his side, facing the window, and he could see what appeared to be a blizzard outside. He slowly roved his eyes around the room, it appeared somewhat familiar, but he was unable to understand why.

He heard a gasp. And slowly focused on a younger man in a uniform moving quickly towards him, a shocked look on his face, before he composed himself.

"Mr. Stark, my name is Robert. Can you understand me?"

Tony opened his mouth to speak, and began to panic as no sound came out, and then there was pressure in his throat, he tried to raise his left arm, but was only able to lift it an inch or so off the bed before it flopped back down.

"It is okay. You have a tracheostomy. That's why you can't speak, and you'll be weak as you've been in a coma. Can I do some observations?"

Tony nodded slightly, and the man got to work, taking various readings, and then drawing some blood while he sent someone to fetch a doctor, and tell Steve he was awake.

"Someone is going to pass the message along to him when the battle is over." An older woman with a kind face came into the room, and addressed Robert.

Tony's brow furrowed.

"There was a world threat from some aliens a few hours ago, Steve tried to stay, but he was needed. It's actually the first time you have been alone since you were brought here." Tony looked at Rob, and figured if he can't speak, he could try and mouth his questions, thankfully Rob seemed to understand. "You're at a private hospital outside of New York, you were actually at the Avengers Mansion until a few months ago when there was a threat against the building and thought it best to hide you a bit better. You've been in a coma for around six months."

Tony's eyes widened, and he heard the heart monitor pick up.

"Mr Stark, Tony. I know it's a shock, but it's almost a medical miracle you're here at all. You're one lucky man, also having such a wonderful group of friends who visited so often, the amount of times I've seen visitors for those in similar conditions to yours dwindle after the first month or so. Also, your husband, definitely a keeper, he has stayed every single night, and most days."

A tear leaked out of Tony's eye, feeling a mixture of grief and happiness, grief for the lost time, and what he had put everyone through, and happiness that they were all unfailingly there for him. Rob silently grabbed a tissue and wiped the tear away with a kind smile.

"Would you like me to stay?" Tony thought about it for a moment and shook his head, he appreciated that in his incapacitated state he was given the choice rather than being told, and with his world on its head, it genuinely felt like a blessing.

"Okay. I want to see if you can press this buzzer in case you need anything, I won't be far, and I'll check on you, so you won't be alone, don't worry." He placed the buzzer in Tony's left hand, purposely making sure he was always in Tony's line of sight, and after a few goes, he clumsily pressed the button, he thankfully didn't need too much force, but if he just made a fist, and bashed it, it would go off.

"Good. When I come back, I'll bring you a pen and paper, and you can try writing, it'll take some work, but it's a way of communicating other than nods eh? I'll also keep you updated on your husband, we're the first ones to be informed if anything happens." With another smile, and cautionary glance at the machines, Robert left.

Tony looked around, feeling a little helpless, if someone walked through that door right now… no he wasn't going to think about that, there was no way Steve would leave him if he wasn't sure he would be safe. He instead decided to take stock of his body. He could wiggle all of his toes, and the fingers of his left hand, his right however, while no longer extremely painful, the instructions from his brain didn't seem to make it to his hand, and continued to lie there motionless. His sight was completely gone in his left eye, but his hearing was relatively fine. He could see he wasn't connected to any machinery other than the monitor, which meant he could breathe for himself, although he was curious as to why he had a tracheostomy, and secretly a little terrified of the thought.

Then having little else to do, and trying not to dwell on the events leading up to his coma, he stared absently out of the window at the snow storm.

A few times Rob came in, to change his trachy tube, roll him into a different position, inform him the doctors were being held up with emergency cases from the invasion, but as he was stable at the moment, and the nursing team were keeping a close eye on him, they would come and see him when they could, and assured him that there was no news on the Avengers at the minute.

When it was dark outside Tony slipped into a light sleep, exhausted already, only to be awoken some time later from a large, hot hand on the side of his face.

He slowly opened his eyes, blinking drowsily, and seeing only blue in front of him. A relieved hue of blue.

"Oh Tony," Tears suddenly started pouring out of Steve's eyes as he began to sob, in what Tony hoped was joy, and being unable to do much else, raised his left hand and half placed it, half dropped it on Steve's other hand that was flat on the bed.

"I came as soon as I was told. I'm sorry you were alone." Tony looked at him as if to say 'are you an idiot', and something must have translated as Steve chuckled through his tears. "I love you."

Tony smiled back at Steve, unable to voice his reciprocation, they stared at each other for a few minutes before Tony's eyelids drooped. "Sleep. I'll be here." Steve stroked his hair gently. "No, I will not get into bed with you, you're still unwell." Steve said sternly after Tony pouted, and just continued to stroke his hair from where he was kneeling by the bed. Unfortunately for the older man, his eyes slipped closed, and he fell asleep.

-/-/-/-/-

"Steve, he's just tired, that's all. He needs the sleep. He'll need to build up his energy." 

"I just…" 

"I know. I'd be worried if you just went back to how things were." 

Tony opened his eyes to see Steve and Bruce stood at the end of his bed, not looking at him, Bruce was hugging Steve tightly. Tony simply watched them for a few minutes, feeling like the cause of Steve's anguish, judging by what he heard. 

"Good morning!" Thor marched in, startling the other two while Tony just grinned back at the deity.

"You're awake!" Steve ran over and hugged Tony tightly, and Tony raised an eyebrow over Steve's shoulder, and Bruce just mouthed back a 'later'. 

"How I've missed that ugly ass face!" Clint strode in, grinning like a Cheshire cat, but Tony's own smile faltered at the thought, vain though it was, he couldn't help but wonder how his face was. 

"You look like the same old Tony, if not a little slimmer than normal, and looking more bad-ass with a slightly busted nose." Natasha smirked, covering for a crestfallen Clint who was suffering under Steve's glare. 

Tony felt better, if he truly looked terrible Tasha would, not cruelly, but simply be honest, and nudged Steve's arm aiming for a placating pat. 

"You're going to have a busy day. Doctors are going to review you, especially now you're off the ventilator, they'll try to wean you off the oxygen, and they and the nurses will hopefully get you ready to have the tube out within the next month or so. You'll also start getting more physiotherapy, see if we can't get that right arm working again." Bruce smiled at Tony, while everyone moved to find a seat. 

Rob had told him yesterday some of this, but knowing it was still going ahead made him happy. 

"See, back to normal soon." Steve said happily. If Tony could have he would have laughed, he knew how long, tedious, and sometimes painful this whole process would be, and it will take him about a year, if that soon, to be anywhere near his old 'normal', if that was even possible. Instead he frowned worriedly at Steve, truly understanding how off balance Steve had been by everything, and he didn't miss the worried look Bruce also shot Steve. 

"Take it one step at a time." Clint piped in, eyeing Steve seriously from where he was perched near the window, the super soldier just waved him off nonchalantly.

"Clint-" Steve started, voice hard, but was distracted by Tony coughing, so instead he calmly grabbed the suction and helped to clear up the secretions from his husbands lungs. 

"Does your chest feel a bit tight?" Tony nodded, and Steve pressed a button on one of the machines next to the bed, which started up what sounded like a small motor, and then his lungs felt a bit warmer as humidified air reached them, he could quickly begin to feel some of the tightness receding. Steve perched on the edge of the bed, and Tony lay his head on his shoulder, looking at his other teammates. 

"Tony," Said man looked up at the other scientist in the room who was sitting at the end of Tony's bed. "You know Morse code right?" He also knew very basic ASL, but his knowledge of it was pretty useless with only one hand. In response to Bruce he softly tapped out an affirmative on Steve's thigh.

"Would you be willing to temporarily connect JARVIS to this room, and he can translate for you, as I know Thor and I can't understand it." Tony's eyes lit up, and he grinned in response. He had been trying with his writing yesterday, but with the lack of coordination and strength in his fingers, he knew it would be a little while before he could contribute to a conversation. "I'll get on that." He smiled, "Steve? I need to talk to you before we start this." Bruce looked at Steve pointedly, who ducked his head, then nodded. 

"I won't be long." Steve smiled at Tony. "Don't leave him." He glared at the others, one rolled their eyes, one glared back, and one just nodded seriously. 

Tony turned to the other three and raised an eyebrow expectantly. 

"Steve's… been having some issues with SHIELD, and due to some clause in some contract, they managed to take JARVIS, he's refused to work for them, unless it's benefited your well-being, and Steve wasn't… pleased. But now you're awake, the clause is null and void, and as your next of kin, Steve needs to go to SHIELD and get him back." Clint said quietly. 

Judging by the spike in Tony's blood pressure, his heart rate increasing, and the look on his face, furious wasn't even close to describing how he was feeling. Unfortunately, his abused body struggled to keep up, his diminished lung capacity from the reactor was bad enough, but the amount of secretions in his lungs, and higher need for oxygen, a need his body couldn't currently provide, sent alarms blaring and people rushing into the room. He could hear people talking but, due to the rushing in his ears, was unable to make it out. 

He heard the word 'sedative', then felt something cool in his arm, which quickly began to slow his breathing down somewhat, and while he didn't quite fall asleep, in his drugged up state, he was far removed from the situation. 

He remembered bits and pieces, Tasha sitting next to him, stroking his hair, and laughing tightly at Thor who was regaling them with tales of old battles. 

He distinctly remembered Steve storming into the room at some point, roaring at the three of them, Tony forgot what he actually said, but he had a vague recollection of recoiling back from Steve, hearing the shouting, and at the time, his brain not quite connecting to the fact it was Steve, not an old captor. 

He remembered Bruce comforting him telling him it was okay, he had gotten JARVIS back, and to go to sleep, no one else was in the room. So, Tony did just that.

-/-/-/-/- 

When he awoke, the sedative had worn off, and it was mid-afternoon, considering his last recollection was at night, he had slept for quite a while, probably tiring himself out. He jumped as he heard movement to his left, that he was unable to see.

"Hey Tony, sorry." Rob's voice came around the bed. "I was looking at some of the machines on the other side. "Feeling better?" Tony shrugged his left shoulder, and looked around the room questioningly. "Not sure where everyone is, other than Bruce. I know there was an… argument yesterday, and Steve left looking upset, but asked Bruce to stay with you. Bruce is talking to the hospital's director now. He shouldn't be too long. Now, we are to try and see if we can wean you off this oxygen, then the physio's are going to come over later, and try to teach you how to clear your lungs a bit more effectively. And talk you through some exercises for your arm and legs that you can start. They were doing regular therapy with you before to try and stop your muscles atrophying as much as possible." 

Rob then proceeded to fiddle with machines for the next ten minutes, explaining while he did so, and asking Tony to do various things, like deep breathing, then Bruce came back in. 

"Hello Tony." Bruce smiled, Tony smiled back, then froze. It's the first time he had properly looked at Bruce. The man had a significantly larger amount of grey in his hair, more wrinkles on his face, looking more like worry lines, and he had lost maybe a stone, which on the already slim doctor, was shocking. "Are you okay?" The concerned note in Bruce's voice snapped him out of it and he nodded. 

"We've just been trying to wean off the oxygen. Only at 6 litres now. But I think I'll leave it there for today. If you start to feel breathless, or like your hands are getting cold, let me know, but I'll be popping in and out to check on you." Rob smiled and, after making sure the buzzer was in reach for him, left pulling the door halfway closed behind him. 

"So, the hospital has given their permission for JARVIS to access the hospital, as long as it is limited to your room only, we pay for an independent team to clear and verify the room when you leave. We will get some sensors installed for him in here tomorrow. I'll work with you to get him online in here tomorrow night, if you feel up to it?" 

Tony smiled, but it faltered and fell, a sort of huff of air coming out of his trachy. 

"What's wrong?" Remembering Bruce can't understand Morse, he just mouthed 'Steve'. 

"Ah. He's just upset. I recommended he take some time out, he's not left here for longer than 12 hours before now. I know he wants to be with you, but it's not healthy." 

'Me?' 

"Honestly, a little. You were out of it last night, and got a little scared when he started screaming at the others, I'm fairly sure you just didn't recognise him at the time, but with that, what happened in Russia, and some of the things he's been struggling with since… he's been struggling. His paranoia is running away from him a little."

'Russia?' 

"That's where we found you, quite a bit south. Rada, her husband, son, and brother, Lyosha, lived in the wilderness, and her husband and brother found you. She had some experience as a 'healer', but unfortunately that meant she didn't have access to antibiotics, so when we found you, you were almost dead." Bruce drew a shaky breath, and Tony waited patiently for Bruce to collect himself. "If not for them though, you would have died days before. Also in a cruel twist of fate, Fury for some unknown reason had a good lead on where you were being held, and neglected to tell us for a few days. By the time we got there, you had already escaped. If he had told us earlier, we might have gotten you out, rather than you having to get yourself out. That's also why we're not affiliated with SHIELD anymore." 

Tony tried to let out a unsurprised snort, which didn't sound anything near, but Bruce seemed to understand. 

"I heard Steve was pretty impressive. Even Fury was taken aback." Tony did his version of a chuckle, then they were both silent for a moment before Bruce turned sombre again. 

"Tony. I'm so sorry. I should have been more prepared when we found you, I panicked a little and moved you before you were really ready and… you died. And then when Steve had to make a very hard decision, the choice I pushed him to make, what I see now, was the wrong choice. And it could have cost you your life." 

Bruce then, for the first-time Tony had ever seen, started crying. Full on body shaking sobs, and while Tony placed a hand on Bruce's, he wished he could talk to tell him what an idiot he was being, but instead had to listen to his best friend cry. 

-/-/-/-/- 

"There we go!" Bruce pressed enter triumphantly, and then a British lilt filled the room. 

"Sir, lovely to see you." Tony smiled, and tapped out his response, and J waited for Tony to finish before he spoke. To his surprise his own voice came out the speakers. 

"Am I happy to see you Jar." Tony's eyes widened, then he grinned as Jarvis continued in his own voice. 

"I decided to take old records of your voice, sir, as I thought it would be nice for you to have your voice back, per se." 

"You clever kid. Thanks Jar." 

"You're very welcome, sir. Now my old self would say that you have; two thousand, six hundred and twenty five emails, three hundred and two unopened texts, six hundred and ninety nine missed calls, your voicemail is full-" JARVIS paused as Tony tapped. "Delete them all…? Just anything deemed spam, or government related? With pleasure!" 

"Show me specs Mark L." Bruce stared at Tony worriedly. 

"Tony, I don't-" 

"Bruce. I know I won't be using for long time, if ever. J, delete everything on suits. Anything on the reactor?" 

"Not on my hard drive sir, but-" 

"Delete everything, even on medical files, track down paper copies. I want all gone." 

"Sir, are you sure?" 

"Yes. Authorisation code 13497TASGP. Now, J." 

"Tony, why?" Bruce whispered, eyes wide. 

"They wanted everything I knew, but knew I wouldn't give it, didn't trust me to make anything other than bomb. I wouldn't be surprised if they found some bits from the leak, but unlikely they found enough to recreate reactor, so not giving the option to make more. They are not going to win this too." Tony made a tight fist as he realised how much he was shaking. 

"It doesn't mean you have to give up everything you love." Bruce said softly. 

"I almost did. Bruce, I thought Steve was the one who betrayed me, and thought all you didn't want me back… I only know he didn't because… I remember Steve and Fury arguing about me, it was SHIELD who told them where I was. That's when I started fighting. Before then, I didn't want to come back, and face what could be."

"Oh Tony." Steve's voice came from the doorway, he entered the room and sat on Tony's bed, as Bruce slipped out of the room. 

"I'm sorry, Steve. I don't know why I believed. If you want leave, I understand." Tears had begun to fall down Tony's face, and he was almost surprise when Steve pressed his lips to Tony, and kissed him with a passion Tony hadn't felt from the soldier before. 

"I would never do that to you. If you want rid of me, you'll have to be the one to do it. Besides I should be the one who is apologising. I-" Steve's voice broke and Tony cocked his head to the side in question, not feeling the need to voice anything. "A few months ago, when things were looking a little bleak… I spoke with your doctors, and with your power of attorney, signed Do Not Attempt Resuscitation papers." 

"So?" 

"What?" Steve looked confused. 

"What's wrong? If things were how I imagine, that's what I would have wanted. And I can tell it wasn't easy or you wouldn't be so broken up about it." 

"But... I essentially signed your life away." 

"Steve, swap places. If you were in the same position, and I was in yours, would you blame me?" 

Steve looked down, and seemed to think for a moment. "No. Not at all." He connected his lips with Tony's again. "You know, I wouldn't betray you like that, right?" He asked as he pulled away, looking worried. 

"I know. You know what pain can do to man though." 

"We got them. They were still there at the base, and when I found out what they did to you, I lost it. Slaughtered most of them. Fury had to pull a lot of strings, so only SHIELD know. They've been holding it against me since, that if I don't work with them, as long as I don't actively work against them, then there's a truce." 

Tony could feel his anger rising, but remembered Rob's deep breathing techniques, and used that to centre himself. Of course Fury wold use it against Steve. He vowed that when he could walk and talk, he'd be making a meeting for the one-eyed director, and it wouldn't be pretty. 

-/-/-/-/- 

"I'm sorry Tony, I know it feels like a step backwards, but your physical physio is getting better, even if you're unable to have the trachy out quite yet. Unfortunately these things can happen, but we'll still keep trying." Lisa, one of his other nurses comforted him as the doctor left after having to reinsert his tracheostomy tube. 

He was warned the removal might fail, and that it didn't mean he would have to live with it forever. But he felt stuck in the mud. It had been almost two months since he had woken up, and while he had strength back in his left arm, his right was still relatively useless, and he could stand for short periods, but was struggling with moving more than a few steps, his muscles still needing more work. He hurt enough already. 

"Do you want me to leave you for a few minutes?" Tony ignored her and continued to stare out of the window. Left hand playing with a stray piece of thread in the armchair he was sat in. 

If he was honest with himself, he had hit the inevitable low point, he was still being fed through the tube in his stomach, a PEG, as he was unable to swallow, and he was able to talk, it wasn't the clearest talking, but he could do it, he changed his own inner tubes, as long as someone helped, as he only had his one hand, it gave him a false sense of independence, despite the fact he still had to have someone help him everywhere and wash him. 

"Sir, are you okay?" Tony ignored his AI, still trying to get over his disappointment and feelings of failure. At the lack of response from his creator, who continued to stare blankly out of the window, he did the only thing he knew would help, call Steve. 

"Tony." Steve said, an hour later, still dressed in his workout gear. Barely hesitating in walking towards the smaller man, and crouching next to him, going to grip his hand, only to have it pulled away into his lap. "It didn't work. We thought it might not. Doesn't mean it won't ever work." 

"Shut up Steve." Tony said in a grunting voice, talking through his tube. He wanted to wallow in his own self-pity for a while. Yet he wasn't allowed to be alone long enough to do so. 

"Do you want me to leave?" Tony didn't answer again, and so Steve took it as a no, and perched himself in a chair near Tony with a sigh.

He opened his mouth to talk, but thought better of it, and pulled one of his books off Tony's bedside table, and settled in to read, leaving Tony to his own thoughts. Although that may have been a bad idea, as a few hours later, after Steve had helped him into bed, and he'd fallen into a light sleep, Tony began to twitch. Steve glanced up from the tablet he now held, and frowned. His frown got deeper when Tony huffed. Having seen Tony have nightmares before, he knew that was what was happening, but while Tony had been in hospital, he had either been in a coma, or a very deep sleep. Between all the exercises, and medications, he was knocked out for the count. 

"Tony, wake up." He lay a hand on his shoulder, knowing from experience that going anywhere near the Arc at a time like this was a bad idea, and he knew to be prepared to evade a flying fist, but the man usually woke up quite quickly. Steve gently shook his shoulder, and called his name again, worried that the whimpers only got louder.

"Is everything okay?" Lisa popped her head in worriedly, probably hearing the irregular breathing. 

"He's having a nightmare. Could you close the door, and I'll shout you if I need anything?" 

"Sure." She closed the door, and he turned back to Tony, who was now crying in his sleep. 

"Tony, love. Wake up. It's just a dream. Tony." Just as Steve was starting to panic, he woke, not violently, he just opened his eyes slowly, and looked around vacantly. "Tony?"

Tony blinked slowly, pulled Steve to him, shoved his face into his muscled shoulder, and let himself cry. They sat there for a short while, Tony crying, and Steve rubbing his back and whispering sweet nothings. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

Tony shook his head, and pulled away from Steve, eyes puffy. He reached around Steve, picked up the discarded tablet, and pulled up what appeared to be some medical machinery, leaving Steve sat on the bed, feeling a little rejected. 

"I'm going to grab a shower, if you're going to be alright?" Tony gave a curt nod towards him, eyes still fixed on the tablet on his lap, and with a small sigh, Steve stood and moved into the attached bathroom. 

Steve pretended he didn't hear Tony's sigh of relief, and Tony pretended he didn't hear Steve's soft crying. 

-/-/-/-/- 

"You can get a shower now if you like." Rob grinned at him, pleased that the trachy was finally out, and he had begun to eat a puree diet. Although he was becoming increasingly worried by Tony's growing dark circles under his eyes, but after his many refusals to talk to anyone, professionally or otherwise, besides drugging him against his own will, which was not going to happen, there were few options. 

"Yes." Tony said, pressing a hand to the dressing against his throat. 

Rob helped him out of the chair, he could now walk for a decent distance, he was going to the end of the corridor and back, but he was still building up some muscle strength, and with only one arm, he was struggling to get out the chair and upright without a little help. Rob took him into the bathroom, gave him towels and wash stuff, showed him where the call bell was if he needed help, and set up the chair in the shower in case he needed it, then closed the door and left him to it. 

Tony stripped off his jogging pants, having taken his t-shirt off after physio earlier, and stepped into the spray that Rob had gotten to a desired temperature before he left.

Washing his body went fine, if not a little slow with one arm in a sling, it only came to when he stuck his head under the spray that the issues arose. Tony had experienced feelings like these before, not long after Afghanistan, but the intensity of this flashback seemed worse. Maybe due to the fact he had now been waterboarded on two separate occasions, suffocated in space once, and the feeling of no oxygen when Obadiah and the guys in Russia had removed his Arc reactor, the former for the reactor itself, the latter, for fun. But he suddenly couldn't tell where he was, or even give himself a chance to calm down, he just lost all coherent thought, just that terrifying feeling of suffocation overwhelmed him. 

-/-/-/-/- 

"So, Stark, a little birdy told us, you have had a bad experience with water in the past." 

His Australian accent came from behind him as two muscled men shoved him in front of a metal tub, almost exactly like the one from years ago, which very few people knew about, he had only told one person about it in significant detail. Steve, can't have betrayed him, no matter what they said. Surely. Right? God, he didn't know what to think anymore. 

"No." Tony had lost his bravado three, maybe four days ago, and while he wouldn't quite resort to begging, he wasn't being snarky with them anymore. 

"Not your choice I'm afraid Mr Stark, unless you want to hand the designs for your reactor over? Thought not." The curly haired man smiled at Tony's silent defiance. "I have an idea to shake things up a bit." He lay a tanned, long fingered hand on Tony's chest around the Arc. "Let's see how long you can survive without this." Then he twisted and pulled the glowing device out of his chest. 

As Tony gasped in pain, the two goons shoved him beneath the water. His rational brain knew from experience, that fighting uses up your oxygen more quickly, but his panic from having his Arc reactor taken away, and revisiting his worst nightmares, sent him into a blind panic, causing him to fight tooth and nail. 

It was a mistake, and the goon on his right did something, that sent a horrific pain down his arm, causing him to breathe in water in shock, and quickly blacking out. Coming to some time later, coughing up lungfuls of water as the other men in the room laughed.

-/-/-/-/- 

Someone was holding him, the men from Afghanistan or Russia, he was unsure, but he had to get away, or they'd hurt him again. 

"Tony, it's Steve. You're in New York." 

New York. Flashbacks of the fight with the Chitauri, and his flight into space, alone, but with hundreds of thousands of aliens, waiting to take over the planet, he stood between them, and the thought terrified him. 

"No. No. No. No." He gasped over and over, fighting against the arms around him, seeing only the darkness of space around him, unable to breathe. 

"God, I shouldn't have mentioned that. It's Steve. Tony, it's okay, you're not there, you're with me. Please." 

Tony could feel movement against his hand, suddenly the arms didn't feel as constricting, more comforting. Steve. He tried to match his rapid breathing to Steve's, something Steve must have picked up on, as he slowed his own down. 

"That's it, keep breathing." As Tony slowly calmed down, he soon realised he was still in the bathroom, the shower was still running, but was on the other side of the room, his modesty had been covered by a towel at some point, and Steve had one arm around him, the other pressing his left hand against his chest, giving Tony something to match his breathing against. 

While they sat there just breathing Tony couldn't help but acknowledge what a complete and utter mess he was, significantly worse than last time, maybe it's his compounded traumatic experiences, but he couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Steve didn't need to witness his downward spiral, and feel guilty when the inevitable happened, both of which would surely happen. 'If you want rid of me, you'll have to be the one to do it'. Maybe he should, it would kill him to do it, but it's what's best. 

"Leave me alone Steve." Tony pulled away from his husband rapidly. 

"No. You're not pushing me away." 

"Steve, I don't want you here anymore." Tony spat, eyes cold. 

"I don't believe you." Steve said calmly, although there was a little hurt in his eyes. 

"Why would I want you here?! You were going to let me die!" Low blow. Such a low blow, if Tony was in his right mind, not that he would admit he wasn't, he wouldn't have even contemplated saying that to Steve, knowing it would haunt him for the rest of his life. 

"You're not yourself. Come on. Let's get you dressed." Steve said quietly, desperately trying to hide the pain on his face the comment made. 

"No! Leave me alone! Am I no longer capable of making my own decisions?! What more convincing do you need!" Tony then, with some struggle, but because of his weight loss, it wasn't too difficult, pulled his wedding ring off with his teeth and spat it out on the floor. "There! Is that going to convince you?" 

It's worth it. Less pain in the long run. Less pain in the long run. He'll have Bruce, Tasha, Clint and Thor, to support him, he'll be fine. 

Tony repeated to himself over and over again, as he saw the completely and utterly heartbroken look on Steve's face. Steve reverently picked up his husband's ring, and held it tightly in his fist, looking Tony directly in the eyes. 

"You win." Steve whispered, then in a flash, was gone. Leaving Tony to breakdown as he finally realised what he had done. 

-/-/-/-/-

"Apologise to him." 

Tony ignored the red-headed spy, and continued his daily activity of looking out the window, and enjoying the view of the grounds. It had been three weeks since he had told Steve to leave, and it seems the others have had enough of waiting for him to do something about it. 

"Anthony." She almost growled at him. "You've broken him. You will fix it. And until you do don't expect to see me around. What you did was cruel, and I'm not standing for it." 

"Don't stand for it then." He said simply. 

"Fine, but everyone else is very unhappy with you. Clint's already said that unless you either apologise to Steve, or specifically ask for him to come, he's not going to be here." 

"While you're at it, tell them all I'm not going to apologise or ask for any of them so they might as well stay away, from today I'm removing their visiting rights." 

There was silence as Tasha mulled over his words, spoken in the emotionless voice he had picked up over the last few weeks. 

"Tony. Do you really want to push us all away like this?" She said softly, not moving from where she stood in the middle of the room. "Well, just know you're hurting us all by doing this, and while I can't speak for the others, if you change your mind about any of this, call me, I'll be there." 

Tasha then left, and the click of the door closing was so final, he let out a shaky breath and look up at the ceiling, addressing JARVIS.

"J, organise a flight back to LA for Friday, that's when I'm going to discharge myself. You will tell no one or hint, or cheat you way around telling or showing or taking anyone where I'm going, only that I am alive and want to be alone. Do you understand?" 

"Yes, sir." JARVIS said harshly, he wasn't happy about what Tony was doing either, but when giving a direct order like that… 

"And you shall revoke everyone's access but my own, you can remain at the Avengers Mansion as a security system, but that is all." 

Now just an acknowledging bleep echoed in the room, J really was peeved off with him, but Tony was past the point of caring, he had pushed everyone else away, why not his own creation. 

-/-/-/-/-

"Welcome home." J greeted him as he stepped into his mansion in Malibu. He hadn't set foot in this place since a few days before his abduction, which was now over a year ago. 

"Hey Dum." Tony greeted the robot has he sped towards him, holding a duster, Tony was glad when the sturdy metal frame stopped short of his body, he still wasn't very strong, and didn't need more bruises. "Not now bud, I need a rest." Dum-E had been trying to tug Tony towards his workshop, but he was too exhausted to even think about stairs, so half limped his way towards the couch, lay down and quickly fell into an exhausted sleep. 

He woke up some time later, covered in sweat and gasping, jumping violently went he felt a touch on his left shoulder. 

"Sorry, sir, I forgot to tell the bots that you couldn't see out of your left eye anymore." J said, not quite sounding sorry, but Tony brushed it off, he was still upset with him. 

"Sorry U, just make more noise when you're on that side, and I'll know you're there." He patted the robots strut who had bleeped sadly at Tony's jump. 

"Sir, you now have forty missed calls, twenty-six texts, and eighteen voicemail's." 

"So?" "All of them are from either Mr Rogers, Agent Romanoff, Doctor Banner, Miss Potts, and Mr Hogan." 

"Again, your point J?" "Do you truly not care how worried they all are for you?" 

"Delete them J. The voicemail's." 

"I shall not sir. There will come a time you want to listen to them." 

"J…" Tony said sternly. 

"Let me have this sir. You have asked a lot from me already." JARVIS said sadly. 

"Okay J." Tony said with a sigh, lying back down on the couch. 

"I had someone stock the fridge, so there are things for you to eat sir." JARVIS prompted. 

"I'm not hungry." 

"Sir, you need to eat." J was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. "How about some toast or soup, then you can take your medication?" Tony winced, remembering the pain from his missed meds, and nodded in agreement, hearing U wheel over to the kitchen and preparing some food for him. 

Before long, a glass of orange juice, his blister pack of pills, two slices of toast with butter, and a bowl of tomato soup were placed on the table next to the sofa. 

"Thanks U, and you J."

"You're welcome sir." 

-/-/-/-/-/-

"J, can you run diagnostics on the Arc, something's not right." 

Tony pulled the reactor out, quickly swapped the wires with Dum-E's help, and leaned back in his workshop chair. His heart seemed to keep jumping in his chest at random points, and he could swear that he felt the shrapnel moving in his chest, so either a problem with his biological heart, or his mechanical one. 

"Running diagnostics now." 

Tony picked up the remote for the TV, and flicked it on while he waited for the diagnostics to run. 

"Captain America spotted at the annual New York gala for War Veterans last night, minus wedding ring and a beautiful blonde on his arm. Is the romance between America's two most famous superheroes over?" Tony should turn it off, it was only a gossip channel, but his mouth had begun to dry up as he realised that Steve may have truly moved on, and continued to watch. "The great love story between Steve Rogers and billionaire Tony Stark started five years ago, where they were first pictured in an embrace after a battle in Florida, shortly after Miss Potts, confirmed that they were due to be married later that year. 

"Since then they had been pictured several times together, the last being a Gala for War Veterans two years ago. What happened after that point is a little sketchy, but what had been confirmed, that while at an event for engineering in Germany, an event that he was attending as a surprise guest, a few months after the gala, Mr Stark was kidnapped. Miss Potts confirmed in a statement that he had been kidnapped, and had since been recovered, but was critically ill. 

"That was all we heard for six months, until a source close to Mr Stark told the press that he had recently woken from a coma, a coma which he had fallen into shortly after his captivity. Mr Stark still hasn't been seen out in public since being at JFK airport, where we now know he was travelling to Germany, although multiple sources have reported to us that he had self-discharged from a private hospital almost seven months ago, and his whereabouts are currently unknown. Some speculate that he is suffering from depression and the effects of PTSD, and now cannot be in public due to his mental illness. 

"Now, last night when we interviewed Mr Rogers, he declined to comment on Mr Stark, and simply confirmed to us that he had retired as Iron Man, and that with the loss of Iron Man, the Hulk, and Hawkeye, there were three new members on the team, a Sam Wilson, Peter Parker, and James Barnes, all of which we have seen in action before as Falcon, Spiderman, and the Winter Soldier. Barnes, who has recently been cleared of all charged against his name, due to evidence of brainwashing from the terrorist group, Hydra, was also at last night's event. Sources at the event also report that Mr Rogers and Mr Barnes appeared quite close, and that the Blonde who attended with him, is a Miss Sharon Carter, the niece of the late WWII veteran Margaret 'Peggy' Carter, and that the two were attending as friends. 

"We have attempted to reach Stark industries, and the Avengers for a comment, and they both declined. So, it appears that the two are separated! We shall miss this couple dearly. We also would like to wish Mr Stark a speedy recovery from all of us here. Now onto the best and worst dressed-" 

He switched the TV off. Bucky Barnes. Steve's ex-boyfriend, who last he heard, was dead. He couldn't exactly blame Steve if he had moved on with Bucky, who was Steve's first love. Steve had always been broken up over the other soldier's death, and while Tony had known Steve loved him, he knew Steve had also loved Bucky to the same degree. 

"Sir, there appears to be a fault inside the device. Probably due to age, it hasn't been serviced for two years now." And now he remembered why he pushed them all away, to save them from this. He knew he wouldn't be able to fix this fault with his one hand, it wasn't even quite steady enough for the delicate work it needed. He also couldn't exactly remember how the Arc reactor worked, his brain just couldn't focus for long enough to figure it out, he didn't have a spare either. 

"Shall I order the relevant parts, sir?" 

"Don't bother J. Just bring up the blueprints for the ventilator." 

"But-" 

"J, please just drop it." 

"As you wish." JARVIS' voice was worried, but it had been becoming increasingly worried over the last several months, as he gradually ate less and less, slept less and less, interacted less and less, and lost the will to really do much of anything. His creator hadn't spoken to another human being since he said goodbye to Rob at the hospital seven months ago. The food delivery guy, came over twice a week, but never set eyes on the billionaire, and was paid a pretty penny to keep his mouth shut. 

And while the calls and texts dwindled, the only person who stopped trying to contact him was Steve, his most recent voicemail citing that he couldn't do this anymore, Pepper implied by the texts and voicemails that she knew where he was, but as he blatantly didn't want to see her, she wasn't going to force herself on him. 

Now, with the fault in his Arc reactor, J was starting to feel dire, Tony had put so many restrictions on his interactions, he placed all his processing power into finding a loophole. And find a loophole he did. 

-/-/-/-/-/-

"Hello." 

"Hello Mr Barnes. My name is JARVIS." 

"Who?" Bucky frowned at his mobile, as Steve walked into the living room. 

"Steve's who's JARVIS?" Steve froze and his face closed off. 

"Tony's AI. Why?" 

"He's on the phone." Bucky said cautiously. 

"If you prefer Mr Barnes, place me on speaker." Bucky did so. "So Mr Barnes, as I have been banned against speaking to anyone deemed as Sir's friends or family, and you fall into neither group, I thought it best to call you. I am also not allowed to release his whereabouts. Or his current state of health." 

"Okay… so why are you calling?" 

"I am calling as a device is failing, and I need someone's help, not Sir, me." 

"Wait a second, what is going on JARVIS?" Steve spoke up, arms folded, looking unhappy. 

"Mr Barnes, I contacted you to inform you that if this device isn't repaired, which it won't be without your help-" JARVIS suddenly stopped speaking. 

"Hello?" 

"Sorry, I was unable to go further, all I can say is that a call was made about a Last Will and Testament earlier today. To stop this coming into effect you shall need someone's help, who can take you to a childhood home, and get a stashed device and bring it here." 

"Where is 'here'?" 

There was more silence for a few moments, before JARVIS blurted out "Home." And the call was dropped.

"Oh god. Buck he's actually dying, and letting it happen." Steve's face had gone white, and Bucky jumped up towards his friend, worried he was going to collapse. 

"Come on Steve, breathe." Bucky encouraged him, he didn't particularly like Tony for what he had done to Steve, but he had his suspicion as to why he was doing it, and grudgingly respected him for it, even if it was stupid. "Do you know where his childhood home is?" 

"Y-yes. Upstate." 

"Okay, let's go. No time to waste." 

-/-/-/-/-/-

Pepper had received a strange call from Steve, saying JARVIS had called him, and she needed to get over to Tony as soon as she could, and was thus now outside his house. 

"Steve, I'm here." She walked to the front door, surprised it wouldn't open. "I can't get in." 

"Hello Miss Potts. It has been a long time." JARVIS sounded bitter, and Pepper couldn't help but wince, feeling like he was blaming her for something. 

"J, can you let me in?" 

"Afraid not. Only the delivery driver has access." 

"What's going on Pepper?" Steve's worried voice came from her phone. 

"JARVIS won't let me in. Apparently, only the delivery driver has access!" 

"Well when is the delivery driver coming?" Pepper relayed the question. 

"In about forty minutes." 

"I'll be there in an hour and ten, an hour if I push it. Call me when you get in?" 

"Sure." They ended the call, and Pepper got back into her Audi to wait. 

Forty-five minutes later, the gates opened and a van pulled up to the house, parking behind Pepper. 

"Hi! Do you have a key?" Pepper jumped out of the car, and the driver eyed her suspiciously, then he seemed to recognise who she was. 

"Pepper Potts right? Head of Stark Industries?" 

"Yeah, I forgot my key, can you let me in?" 

"And Mr Stark didn't let you in himself? Sorry ma'am I don't think I can do that." 

"Please, I really need to see him, it's quite urgent." 

"Sorry, ma'am. He shrugged as he gathered his crates. 

"He's dying!" The driver stopped, and turned to frown at her. 

"Really?" He sighed, then opened the door and stood aside for her. "I hear anything amiss, i call the police."

"Thank you!" She darted in, already dialling Steve. "I'm in." 

"Try the workshop." She trekked down the stairs, and didn't see him there. "I don't… oh god, Tony!" She had spotted his feet, peeking out from behind a desk, the rest of his body hidden. 

"JARVIS let me in!" The keypad next to the door flashed green, and Pepper didn't hesitate before storming the room. "Tony!" She saw him, pale, hair past his shoulders, beard no longer neat, but long and scraggly, and he also looked thinner than she last saw him, if that was even possible. 

She fell to her knees next to him, and shakily felt at his neck for a pulse, mildly relieved when she found one, but still terrified by his stillness, she then unzipped his jacket, and saw his reactor flickering. 

"He's alive, only just. Please hurry." Pepper whispered, remembering Steve was on the phone, and placed Tony's head in her lap, eyes focused on the light of the Arc and the shaking rise and fall of his chest. 

"Hey. Nice to see you." She suddenly heard a weak whisper. 

"Tony, you're going to be alright. It's going to be fine." Pepper said firmly, not letting her tears escape. 

"Pepper, leave it. I'm tired. Let me go. Tell everyone I'm sorry. Tell Steve that I do love him, I'm just a terrible person." He then fell unconscious again. 

"Pepper, I'll be there in about fifteen minutes. How is he?" 

"St-Steve, maybe we should let him go. He doesn't want to be here. Maybe we should give him his choice for once." 

"Pepper he's not well. And everyone's been terrible to him, you all listened when he pushed you away, when you should have fought back, he's been alone for so long. You all need to be there for him and help him through this, I think if he truly wanted to die, he wouldn't have survived in Russia, or he would have killed himself sooner than now." Bucky's voice came through the speaker and Pepper took a deep breath, and nodded to herself. 

"Steve, he said he's sorry. And that he loves you." 

"I'll be there soon." 

The next fifteen minutes were the longest of her life, Steve was only a minute away when he stopped breathing. She quickly checked his pulse, it was still going, so she barely hesitated in mouth-to-mouth, and that's how Steve found them. 

He fell on his knees next to them, and quickly pulled the faulty reactor out of his chest, and skilfully reconnected the new one. Then everyone held their breath as they waited to Tony to take his. 

-/-/-/-/-/-

Tony woke sweating. He was so used to being cold nowadays that being warm was a shock. 

He felt the sun on his eyelids, but the warmth was coming from his back. He snuggled in closer with a sigh. If this is what the afterlife felt like, he was somewhat pleased he didn't fix his reactor, no matter his regrets as he passed out when the Arc reactor began to fail properly. 

"Tony." Steve's voice whispered in his ear. 

Tony frowned, eyes still closed as the breath tickled his face. He took in a deep breath, at that point was overcome with coughing, a warm hand rubbed up and down his back as he spluttered, then fell back to the mattress, right eye peering open at the concerned face of Steve. 

"You gave yourself a chest infection, not looking after yourself properly. A doctor has been out, and says you'll be fine as long as you rest, drink plenty of fluids, get some decent nutrition, and take your tablets." Tony continued to frown at Steve, confused. 

Last he remembered, they had split up over half a year ago, hadn't spoken to each other since, and Tony had died… hadn't he? 

Although having a chest infection and being in bed with Steve didn't seem very heavenly or hellish. 

"Tony?" Steve asked unsure. Tony frowned more deeply and looked around, he was still in his Malibu home, in his own bed, that he hadn't slept in for two years, after he had returned here he couldn't sleep in the bed he had shared with Steve, thus used one of the spare rooms or the sofa, for the odd cat nap when he was beyond exhausted. 

"What?" Is all he could get out, still looking around the room in wonder. 

"JARVIS called Buck, asking for help to save you, I got one of your old reactors from Stark mansion, and came here. If Pepper hadn't been here, you would have died. Bruce is on his way too, Tasha and Clint have gone to get him, so he can fix your old one, as this is one of the palladium ones." Steve gently traced around the reactor, as Tony looked away, feeling ashamed that he had failed once again, while he didn't actively kill himself, he let it happen, and couldn't even do that right. 

"Tony, you're going to recover from this chest infection, get your rector fixed, and then you're going to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me, ideally I'd like you to talk to a psychiatrist, and if that fails, we will get you admitted until you're better. I'm not expecting you to be back to the 'old' Tony, but I want you to be able to live, not simply survive." 

Tony covered his face with his left hand and turned away from his husband? Ex-husband? 

"Why do you keep trying to control my life?" 

"Is that what this is about?" Steve raised an eyebrow. "Because if it is, no one has been controlling your life but yourself for a long time, and look where that got you." 

"What is even going on here? Aren't you back with Bucky?" Tony gestured between himself and Steve. 

"Bucky? No! He's my friend, we've both changed a lot since the 1940's." Steve paused, and brushed some hair out of Tony's face. "Well that's up to you. I'd like to try again, and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I'll only divorce you if you stop loving me, not because you don't want me 'interfering'." Steve glared at Tony with narrowed eyes, probably referring to the divorce papers he sent a few months ago. "But if you decide you don't want to try again, that's fine, just don't expect me to hang around and wait for you." 

"Fair enough." He yawned, and Steve settled himself behind him, arms wrapped around Tony's waist. "I am sorry. I see now I wasn't alright back then, and I'm not alright now. I justified it that I was protecting you, protecting all of you." 

"From what?" Steve asked, hugging Tony from behind. 

"Me. The flashbacks are… horrible. When I was washing, I could only wash with a flannel." He then with some clarity was able to smell his own odour. "I stink." 

"You do. But I don't quite think you're well enough for a wash yet." Steve chuckled. Now had their relationship been in a better place, Tony probably would have made a joke about a bed bath, but instead kept quiet, just rolled over to press himself into Steve's chest. 

"My sense of trust is destroyed too, not your fault. I struggle with fire now. I can't use a sharp knife. I don't like small spaces anymore either. And I can't make things anymore. I only have the one arm, and eye, and I struggle with my focus. I don't know how to make it right." He sniffled into Steve's t-shirt, the other man's arms embracing him tightly. 

"It doesn't have to be 'right', we can just try to make it even a little bit better. Some of those fears may fade with time, some may not. In regards to making things, you can still create things, you may just need more help in physically making them. Peter is pretty good, you could get to know the kid, see if he can help. And if you'll let me this time, I'll be here. We all are." 

"Love you." 

"I love you too. We'll talk more later, For now get some sleep."

-/-/-/-/-/-

Tony strode through SHIELD headquarters, face like stone, and with an aura of fury about him, no pun intended. Dark shades covered his eyes, and metal glinted around his right arm.

The various agents in the halls, while utterly shocked to see the billionaire there, jumped out his path, not wanting to be the subject of his ire, and only mildly surprised when they saw him storm straight into the Directors office. 

"Stark! Who do you think you are?" Fury roared. 

"Don't even try it Fury." Tony said in a low, dangerous tone, daring him to fight back. "I have enough dirt on you to get a death warrant on your head in almost every country in the world, including this one. I can ruin your life, and your company. What about that wife and daughter that you try so hard to hide? Give a damn about them?" 

"Stark, don't you dare!" 

"Don't you dare with me!" Stark lost his composure, and even Fury paled, not seeing this side to the man before. "You almost got me killed! You threatened my friends and family. Stole my property. I'm returning the favour. Now, you will destroy everything you have, on us all, electronically and physically, and you will publicly sever ties with us all. You will make a public statement, that I will attend, stating you are giving the Avenger's independence from SHIELD to enable the group to not be tied to one agency, and that you will continue to work with us in times of public need. Any contact you will make to them at all, you will make through me. And you do anything I don't like, you will die, through my own hand, or another's, I'm not fussy. You pushed me too far this time Fury." 

Then without waiting for a response, turned and stormed from the room, those in the corridors jumping away, even more terrified of the cruel, cold smirk on his face. 

They were glad they weren't Fury. 

-/-/-/-/-/-

"Last Night the Annual gala in New York was full of stars, and war heroes to raise money and awareness for War Veterans. Also, for the first time in three years, Mr Stark attended with Mr Rogers. This is the first time Mr Stark has been spotted since before his abduction, and are we glad to see him. He was dressed in blue Versace, paired with sunglasses, black rather than his usual rose hue, causing some to speculate that there is a problem with his eyesight, but he looked dashing as ever, if not a little slimmer and slightly more scarred, personally I think it adds to that bad boy look. 

"When we interviewed him on the red carpet, Captain America close by, he revealed to us that he had been suffering mentally from the effects of his abduction, and had recently been admitted to a hospital for help. He said he now feels significantly better, is on medication, and encourages others suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts and PTSD to seek help, and not be afraid to talk about it, people are there if you need them. He also announced that he is one of the new public spokesmen for Samaritans, within their mental health branch.

"He also revealed to us that he had reconciled with his husband, and they were planning to renew their vows on their eigth anniversary coming up at the end of the year. He also confirmed that he has truly retired as Iron Man, but is still working with the Avenger's in an advisory capacity, and he continues to work with Stark industries as the Head of Research and Development, which recently announced they are creating a new medical branch, a branch that will debut to the public early next year. 

"If anyone is suffering from any of the issues mentioned, go to our website where there are links where you can get help."

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to point out that I am by no means saying that this story in any way truly reflects what people go through, but as I touch on these subjects, I do want to raise awareness and not delude people into thinking that these things are rare and completely treatable. If you do feel like you need help please see these sites and know you're not alone. Or even if you are curious and want to know more about what people go through and how to help. 
> 
> UK go to the Mind dot org website  
> US go to the Samaritans nyc dot org website


End file.
